Panic Isn't Pretty

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your way submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 HCSB)


Recently, I had an anxiety attack. The good news is that, it has been quite some time since this has occurred. I have been doing pretty well in recent months. I was remembering to let things go, not to dwell in one certain area too long. I was beginning to take deeper breaths and laze in the comfort of feeling reassured. I was remembering to focus on positive aspects and enjoy the moment. I am even in the middle of reading, " Eat the Cookie....Buy the Shoes" a book written by Joyce Meyer on giving oneself permission to lighten up. It is filled with different chapters on ways that God wants us to enjoy our lives.

On a positive note, I have come along way from where I stood several years ago. My self confidence had grown in such a way, that the panic attacks are far and few between. It's all about baby steps, especially when God is leading a person to trust in Him fully. I'm getting there and I know I still have a long way to go.

I had been feeling quite confident in God's favor. He has brought me through some pretty dark valleys thus far and through every victory, I have been slowly learning how much God loves me, wants me to be successful, inspires me to achieve personal goals and trust others. The trusting others has been one of the bigger challenges and comes from years of being placed in the care of others that took advantage and mis- used trust. Yet, without wanting to place everyone in the same category of the abuser or simply cheat myself from some pretty neat relationships, I began letting my guard down.

Then Satan, the bugger begins to see my confidence grow and I even mentioned outwardly to my husband on how I feel blessed and favored by God. I can actually feel God's healing touch on the past scars and I can easily see how much He is working in my life. Some of my other friends began to notice too. I began to hear, you have JOY now. I can see how much you are trying to let go of the past and move forward with God's direction.

The recent attack: I suppose I ticked off Satan, because as certain I felt God's presence, Satan decided to mess with me. It sort of crept up on me and I could feel it. I began to find myself in a bad mood, when in recent weeks, I had remained on a even keel. I was beginning to crave areas of sin that I had before, but resisted because I knew that it would only disappoint God. I had not allowed simple or routine disruptions interfere with my daily walk, but suddenly, I was tired and worn out from the unexpected trials. Satan was loving this reaction from me.

I even went at far as wanting to be reassured by another friend, that I emailed her to death, wanting to hearing positive affirmations and reassurances that this too shall pass. I know I drove her nuts and I know she sat patiently, most likely shaking her head every time she saw an email from me, waiting in her in box.

After, the eighth, ninth, or tenth email, I'm not sure. I lost count, although I''m sure she didn't, the responses began coming fewer and fewer. So, you know what Satan put in my mind at that point?

"Well, there you went and did it. You really messed up this time. You blew it!! You just ran that friendship into the ground. Don't expect to hear from her again, at least in a kind way."

Then, the a whole other set of worries and doubt seeped in. Why do I always do this? Why am I so uncertain of another person's word, that I must push the envelope to test it? Why have I not learned by now, that not everyone I befriend will turn out to be like the abusers and liars from my past? After all, God placed the most loving, patient, forgiving and TRUSTWORTHY friends in my path. He desires a healing to continue in me, not have set backs such at this, where I begin to doubt and fear again.

So, what is a girl to do? Well, after a day or so of letting Satan interrupt a good plan and place doubt in my thoughts and actions, I stopped.

First, I had to get over myself. I had to stop with the negative thinking, stop and pray that God would remove it.
Then, I had to ask for His forgiveness for allowing such a thing to work itself in my mind in the first place.
Then, I had to breathe.
Then, I had to remember, God is wanting me to continue to trust in HIM with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. God wants me to submit into HIM and He will continue to lead my paths straight.
Then, I counted my blessing, remembered and thanked HIM!!

So, for that patient friend and you know who you are, thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to wallow in self pity for just a little while, but thank you even more for not allowing me to remain there. Panic attacks and pity parties are not pretty. Of course we will have bad days from time to time. And more so, thank God we DO have friends that don't play the game with us in such a way, that we suck them into it as well. I thank God for my strong minded and strong willed friends that aren't afraid to tell me, it's time to pull up your big girl pants and get on with the day.

I am so thankful for the moments in my life that the light bulb still have enough spark to go off, reminding me, God loves me. He want me to be surrounded with good influences and wonderful friends that want the best for me too.

As I pull up my big girl pants and move on, I will hold my head up as well. I will look the next person I see in the eye, smile and know that I am a child of GOD. Nothing can ever tear me away from Him. And if God chooses to favor me, I will be first to attest to HIS GLORY and not allow Satan to STEAL my joy.