God Is With Me, Always!
February 16, 2010
I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. (Psalms 139: 7-10 HCSB)
Writing down my thoughts is something I’ve done since my early teens. It began as an escape by imagining myself in another time and better circumstances. I was braver and certainly more adventurous than in real life.
Then as I got older, I began to write differently. It became more about my Savior Christ, Jesus. I even began to venture, asking a few generous and kindhearted friends to lend feedback. With their encouragements, I continue to write. As I focus on what is on my heart, it has simply been my way to witness. I admit, at first I did it selfishly. The verse I attached to the small piece was a gentle reminder to myself of God’s love. He understands. He forgives and He is in control. His confidence grew in me, giving me dignity, worthiness and power to succeed the pains I had been through. It would give me strength to carry on and move forward.
TODAY, I am assured I am loved more than I have ever been loved. God has given me peace that I’ve needed for so long. However, it didn’t start over night. I had my doubts at times. Had I been forgotten or simply not that important? I have often felt invisible, while at other times wished I could be invisible. Although, my journey continues, (God ain’t finished with me yet,) I know I still have along way to go.
Here is some of my story. It isn’t more profound or greater than anyone else. It doesn’t take priority over any one else, their pain or personal trials. Sadly, it isn’t much different from what has happened to others. The distinction is my story no longer holds me for ransom.
I was sexual molested by three different individuals and raped by one, as a young girl. This began very young in my life. Two family members are to blame as well as a trusted family friend. The abuse lasted for six years.
Growing up with this secret kept me from being the child of God that I was intended to be. It nearly destroyed my self-esteem. I lived in fear for years. I have felt every emotion; shame, guilt, anger, resentment and my mind has been filled with questions. The memories are ugly and I have reacted and acted out in ways that has shamed me. I have spent many days beating myself up for being so vulnerable and naive. I have asked the same questions over and over. Why did this happen?
God has always been with me. God didn’t create the evil, instead He protected me from it. Some of my earliest memories of protection are days when I turned to my little sister. Another memory is when God sent a friend or a trusted adult into my life for the day. These moments reminded me to be a kid or provided nurturing I needed. God protected me by placing me with the right circle of friends when my attitude could have been easily swayed. God certainly protected me when I grew into a young woman. So many paths I could have taken, but God kept my mind clear and grounded. Many times I was directed in such a way, saving me from what could have been regrettable mistakes.
I have been blessed with the Godliest friends that I prefer to call sister. She has stood by me and lent her heart to help mine heal. I am gladly surrounded by the most amazing women that share their lives with me and I cherish every one. I have been blessed with an understanding husband and two awesome daughters.
Although those early years nearly destroyed the me, I am finding TODAY, I am becoming more like the woman God intended. The capsules will remain as they are banked in my memories. Yes, they seep out occasionally. I admit I have withdrawn back in that frightened little girl that wants to become invisible again. This abuse stole my innocence. It affected my adolescence. It effected my abilities of being a wife, mother, friend, co-worker, daughter and yes, child of God. It put me in places where I loathed, such as the panic or resentment. It’s weight, I carried, nearly broke me.
In spite of all the hurt and pain, it never tore me away from my God. It has taken many prayers and patience as God worked this out. It has taken many loving and caring sisters to hold my hand, wipe my tears and nudge me along when I’ve felt abandoned or stuck. It has taken a loving family never yielding support and loving me through it all.
Recently, I encountered a set back from the progress that I have made the past few years. I fell upon a significant memory. It was physical reminder of one of the men that hurt me so badly as young girl. I fixated on the photograph. I remembered his voice, his scent and his hands. My stomach felt ill looking at his face. The hate resurfaced and it took me back to the days when he placed his hands on my body. The storm of emotions flooded my mind. The fear easily crept back, soon followed by anger and disgust.
I wanted to destroy the photo right way, but there are others in the photograph that had never caused me harm. If I destroyed this picture, would I be disrespecting them? I held onto this photo for nearly a year, shoving it further and further in the back of a closet. It was out of sight, out of mind. It didn’t work. It dwelled heavily on my heart. As it lingered about, I was once again reminded of the pain and hurt I once felt.
I prayed many times asking God to move me forward, far away from this pain. I have prayed that I don’t use these things as a reminder of the pain, but as stepping-stones to encourage others that a complete healing is possible. I have wanted to be a witness to other people that have gone through similar situations to remind him or her that their voice counts. I have wanted to lend my heart to others to say, you can be set free from the bondage. I have wanted others know how much God loves and will never leave.
Through the days of growing and learning, I made many mistakes. I have hurt others by my actions or words. I have held onto anger toward the adults that should have been protecting me. I have resented and mistrusted. I have asked to be forgiven by those I have hurt as I also had to forgive.
The most amazing part is even from the darkest moment, to the lights of glory, God has always been with me. I cannot escape him because I belong to Him. I am His daughter, surrounded with His love and I am fully wrapped protectively in His arms.
I made a decision. I freed myself from this bondage. I burned the photograph. Yes, I lit a match to the corner and watched the flame grow. It didn't take long for the old photograph to turn into ash.
What did this little ceremony signify? I half expected a moment of clarity, leaving me with a freeing, cleansing moment. The bad would be gone and all things would be new. It wasn't quite that dramatic, yet the emotions that welled up in me felt good.
My dad was in that picture. However, it didn’t for one second diminish the memory of my dad. I have many memories and photographs of my dad. The picture burning didn't take away the memory of the man that hurt me either. Yet, as I watched the photo disappear, I felt a sense of peace. I heard God's whisper, "Let Go."
As the man began to dissipate into a puff of smoke, I realized it should have been done years ago. Is it time for you to let go?
With God’s patience and mercy, He allowed me to hang on it until now. By letting go, God's gave me His assurance that this will no longer have hold over me. I can fully concentrate on being the whole person He wants me to be. Whatever that takes, I am willing to trust. Whatever God has in store for me, I will accept. God is with me today as He as always been.
Without a doubt, His spirit is ALWAYS with me and I am loved.
