Panic Isn't Pretty

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your way submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 HCSB)


Recently, I had an anxiety attack. The good news is that, it has been quite some time since this has occurred. I have been doing pretty well in recent months. I was remembering to let things go, not to dwell in one certain area too long. I was beginning to take deeper breaths and laze in the comfort of feeling reassured. I was remembering to focus on positive aspects and enjoy the moment. I am even in the middle of reading, " Eat the Cookie....Buy the Shoes" a book written by Joyce Meyer on giving oneself permission to lighten up. It is filled with different chapters on ways that God wants us to enjoy our lives.

On a positive note, I have come along way from where I stood several years ago. My self confidence had grown in such a way, that the panic attacks are far and few between. It's all about baby steps, especially when God is leading a person to trust in Him fully. I'm getting there and I know I still have a long way to go.

I had been feeling quite confident in God's favor. He has brought me through some pretty dark valleys thus far and through every victory, I have been slowly learning how much God loves me, wants me to be successful, inspires me to achieve personal goals and trust others. The trusting others has been one of the bigger challenges and comes from years of being placed in the care of others that took advantage and mis- used trust. Yet, without wanting to place everyone in the same category of the abuser or simply cheat myself from some pretty neat relationships, I began letting my guard down.

Then Satan, the bugger begins to see my confidence grow and I even mentioned outwardly to my husband on how I feel blessed and favored by God. I can actually feel God's healing touch on the past scars and I can easily see how much He is working in my life. Some of my other friends began to notice too. I began to hear, you have JOY now. I can see how much you are trying to let go of the past and move forward with God's direction.

The recent attack: I suppose I ticked off Satan, because as certain I felt God's presence, Satan decided to mess with me. It sort of crept up on me and I could feel it. I began to find myself in a bad mood, when in recent weeks, I had remained on a even keel. I was beginning to crave areas of sin that I had before, but resisted because I knew that it would only disappoint God. I had not allowed simple or routine disruptions interfere with my daily walk, but suddenly, I was tired and worn out from the unexpected trials. Satan was loving this reaction from me.

I even went at far as wanting to be reassured by another friend, that I emailed her to death, wanting to hearing positive affirmations and reassurances that this too shall pass. I know I drove her nuts and I know she sat patiently, most likely shaking her head every time she saw an email from me, waiting in her in box.

After, the eighth, ninth, or tenth email, I'm not sure. I lost count, although I''m sure she didn't, the responses began coming fewer and fewer. So, you know what Satan put in my mind at that point?

"Well, there you went and did it. You really messed up this time. You blew it!! You just ran that friendship into the ground. Don't expect to hear from her again, at least in a kind way."

Then, the a whole other set of worries and doubt seeped in. Why do I always do this? Why am I so uncertain of another person's word, that I must push the envelope to test it? Why have I not learned by now, that not everyone I befriend will turn out to be like the abusers and liars from my past? After all, God placed the most loving, patient, forgiving and TRUSTWORTHY friends in my path. He desires a healing to continue in me, not have set backs such at this, where I begin to doubt and fear again.

So, what is a girl to do? Well, after a day or so of letting Satan interrupt a good plan and place doubt in my thoughts and actions, I stopped.

First, I had to get over myself. I had to stop with the negative thinking, stop and pray that God would remove it.
Then, I had to ask for His forgiveness for allowing such a thing to work itself in my mind in the first place.
Then, I had to breathe.
Then, I had to remember, God is wanting me to continue to trust in HIM with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. God wants me to submit into HIM and He will continue to lead my paths straight.
Then, I counted my blessing, remembered and thanked HIM!!

So, for that patient friend and you know who you are, thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to wallow in self pity for just a little while, but thank you even more for not allowing me to remain there. Panic attacks and pity parties are not pretty. Of course we will have bad days from time to time. And more so, thank God we DO have friends that don't play the game with us in such a way, that we suck them into it as well. I thank God for my strong minded and strong willed friends that aren't afraid to tell me, it's time to pull up your big girl pants and get on with the day.

I am so thankful for the moments in my life that the light bulb still have enough spark to go off, reminding me, God loves me. He want me to be surrounded with good influences and wonderful friends that want the best for me too.

As I pull up my big girl pants and move on, I will hold my head up as well. I will look the next person I see in the eye, smile and know that I am a child of GOD. Nothing can ever tear me away from Him. And if God chooses to favor me, I will be first to attest to HIS GLORY and not allow Satan to STEAL my joy.

Twenty-Five Years And Still Enjoying The Laughs

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2: 24 HCSB)


It has been a while. Time isn't as generous as it used to be. Somewhere between, living, working and doing, it has left little time for me to pen the words I so love to do. Today brought me opportunity, so I'm going for it. A creative mind likes time; time to sit down with thoughts, which allows the creative juices to flow. What ever the hobby one enjoys, photography, scrap booking, teaching, music, or writing, it takes time for the mind, spirit, and creativity to come together.

So today, when I find time to sit and write, I try to imagine some thing heartfelt and inspirational will float my direction. Then it hit me.

Thirty years ago, when youth was taken for granted, I was barely out of high school. Thirty years ago, a boyish, brown eyed stranger floundered his way into my life. Yes, I said, floundered. This fella rounded the corner that represented the serving line, where I stood ready and prepared to serve the next customer. I possibly gripped the handle of the sharpened carving knife a little tighter. The heating lamps kept the tasteful Texas Barbecue warm and I anticipated what I would need to use the knife on. Would it be to slice the beef brisket, a few hot links or slide the blade between the tender ribs. All that escaped my mind when I set eyes on the scuba mask that covered his face and watched him fin his way toward me.

A sudden thought flooded my mind. I could turn and run, but the notion of running with something sharp in my hand could bring me more harm. So instead I stood firm. I glanced over at my friend that stood at her post, the cash register. First, serve the customer, then ring up the bill, would be the natural order of things. I gave her a look as if to say, "Is this guy for real?"

She of course knew him and chuckled as he made his way toward me to place his order as if all was normal in his world. I took his order, made his plate and directed him on his way around the serving line. He removed his gear so he could eat and began visting with his friend, who had also became my friend of recent weeks. I kept my distance. Still a bit uncertain, I let them talk and I observed. After he finished his meal, Jacques Cousteau thanked us for our hospitality and finned his way out toward the exit.

My good friend, explained this was his silly nature. Always the prankster.

After a little time goes by, my friend Paula asks me if I remember this guy. I say, I can hardly forget him. Her next question would be, if I would be interested in going on a date with him. Knowing now, his goofy and playful self was all in fun, I agree. However, my thought process begins. Even though I grew up in South Texas with plenty of opportunity to swim, I had never been snorkeling. Would he be leaving his swim gear at home this time?

As they say, the rest is history.

25 years later, the nutty swim boy and I are celebrating our 25 wedding anniversary.

I guess the first thing would come to one's mind is sharing of our sense of humor. Right off the bat, I learned his quirky ways. In many respects, I eased him into mine. One thing after all these years is we still have fun, we laugh and we enjoy one another's company. But it's also been more that that. While laughing is important, I have found that being married to goofy and sometimes down right insane guy, that God hand picked him for me.

God knew that I would need to laugh a lot, but he also knew that I would need a man that sticks by his word, remain trustworthy and stand by his family. Charles has given me many years of tenderness right along with the laughs. In many ways, we have grown up together, learning and maturing in our marriage. Moments have been tough a time or two, like when our youngest daughter was born three months pre mature. We united together as one flesh to get through that, watching her body heal and grow stronger. We both adore our girls that have grown up into very responsible and grounded young women. I love being their mom as much as Charles loves being their dad.

Other times, when we have to count on one another's support in dealing with deaths and illnesses with our own parents. The struggles was there, but again we united as one.

Today, we appreciate one another even more. I will be honest and say that I don't look at Charles the same way I did those many years ago. Yes, I still appreciate his sense of humor, but I see so much more today. He is a man that loves his wife and his children with all that his has. He is man that works hard to provide what his can and when he makes a promise he keeps it. He is man that has become my friend. He is man that encourages me to dream. He is man that loves God and even through the faults, is still designed to do God's will in his life and in ours. I have seen him mature in Christ. That in itself is worth sticking around for.

Charles Barkley Jr, I love you with all my heart and I am glad you artificially swam into my life, 30 years ago. You are kooky as the day as long, but I wouldn't change a thing about you. Well, maybe one....please stop balling up your socks. It's a bear to go through, unknotting each one before tossing them in the wash.

January 4, 2011, Happy 25th Anniversary!!!

Side note: I still hold my friend Paula close to my heart. She has been my sister and friend for 30 years. I don't hold any of this against her.